For years I have read other people's blogs in envy. Aside from wishing I had the technological knowledge to craft a blog, I wished I had the courage to share my innermost thoughts with complete strangers. This past year, my 21st one on planet Earth, has been completely life changing.
I rang in my 21st birthday with an apartment fire, cost me about 90 percent of my things, and a fallout with my best friend who I had been friends with since kindergarten. A month later my Grandpa Leo died, the first death I've ever experienced. With all these events crushing upon me at once, I became depressed. I have spent the past year working through my issues and I have come a very long way. Yay for me :)
This summer I worked at a sleep away camp in Connecticut. I met a boy and thought I had fallen in love. I was experiencing butterflies the size of mountains and even told my mom "I think he is the one." The details of the beginning of the end aren't important but I ultimately had to end the relationship to honor myself. It hasn't been easy working through this breakup.
I have a playlist titled appropriately "Sad Music" featuring the following:
1. Rachel Yamagata: The Reason Why- If you haven't discovered Rachel's music, you are missing out. Her lyrics, her soulful voice, her attitude---all of it is fresh and amazing. This song's lyrics fit my breakup perfectly.
2. Annie Lennox: No More I Love You's- Classic breakup song. Does anyone else think the song gets weird at the end when there are high-pitched voices in the background giggling?
3. Roxette: It Must Have Been Love- "It must have been good but I lost it somehow..." It always feels for me that a relationship is perfect than somehow the perfectness suddenly disappears.
4. Coldplay: Fix You- The lyrics of this song invite you to cry your heart out and not feel one ounce of guilt in doing so.
5. Unknown: Somewhere Out There- If you have ever seen An American Tale, you'll know what song I am talking about. When I was younger, An American Tale was one of my favorite movies. This song cheers me up and makes me think that someone who is perfect for me is out there.
6. Jewel: Foolish Games- This song describes my ex and our relationship impeccably. He was always playing foolish games with me and I'm sorry but whoever said "Don't hate the player, hate the game" must have been on some heavy narcotics.
It's a short playlist but I recommend it if you want some background music at your personal pity party.
Like I was saying pre-playlist, this breakup has been hard. I have even had to write encouraging quotations in pretty colors on post-its and hang it up on my mirror. I have also bought the rebound package at Pink Kisses. The package came with this virtual game where you upload a picture of your ex and then they light a match to the picture. It made me laugh and smile.
Despite how hard this breakup has been, I know it's for the best. If I learned anything over this rocky year it is that I am responsible for my own happiness. I won't find happiness with any member of the opposite sex until I find happiness on my own. I lost sight of that in this relationship as I sacrificed parts of myself to make him happy. As much as I cared about him, I had to end it. Want to know why? Because I deserve to have someone love me as much as I love myself and loving myself means honoring what's important to me in a relationship. I am in charge of my happiness.
My name is Cass. I am being gutsy and sharing my life with you. Please be kind and please share your lives with me.